Black Heart

My heart rips out of my chest when I see your smile
Then it burns with agony as it plum its into the poison from my brain
I take a knife & cut it out to release my from its pain
Covered with blood my black heart does beat
Why won't it stop?
Why the refusal of it's defeat?
To let it live would be a nightmare in all my confusion, yet it still beats strong
Why does my love feel so wrong?
So... here I sit, black heart in hand
Still living, yet dead & damned

The psychopath

If I had you in my arms right now,
I would love you-
With my clammy hand
curled round your mouth,
And a rusty knife pressed between your thighs,

You'd have no choice but to love me back.

If you don't like blue,
I can beat you black.
Just unlock your doors and
surrender your jaws,
Let me drill holes in your system.

I have cutlery,
I have nail files and
butcher's knives.

I'm dying for you to love me back.

Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow.......

Who am I ?

fight against a darkness that I fear. My body is no more than a host for others who are lost inside of me. There are many lives here… but I know them not. I can’t control their actions for they are their own persons. I only know of the things they do and say through what others have experienced with me. They tell of behaviors and forms of speech that are not me at all. They fear the unpredictable behaviors they have witnessed. Some behaviors are reckless… drinking and self injury destroying who I really am. Then there are the innocents… the behaviors where children appear. There are also the fearless and angry ones who practice promiscuous behaviors. They all have names… but often they choose who they reveal themselves to and who they allow to believe that I am still who I am…. the real me… the real mentally disabled me.

I would love to escape from this darkness of fear… this darkness that I often awake to only to find myself in some strange place or listen to stories of things people claim I have done. But it wasn’t me. I was lost in the darkness of my soul. How can anyone understand when I myself don’t even understand who am I now?

So, what do I do? Where do I go from here? Where is my soul’s salvation? Only time will tell. Until then, I hope that those inside will use this opportunity to allow the world to know who they are and what their story is. Perhaps in this way… I too can learn who I am now.

Death

II'll find you...
In your last hour...
I'll find you...
Don't worry, i won't get lost...
I know the way...
I always know the way...

I'll save you...
Through pain and suffering...
I'll save you...

You're asking for what and why?
It's pointless...
There is no answer...
I'm the eternal judge...
I'm your destiny...
I'm Death...

My Facade

No one sees me. No one knows who I really am. You think you do, but all you see are the parts I have chosen for you. I redefine myself for each and every one of you. I modify and tweak and adjust to satisfy whatever lens it is I have molded for you. Or you have molded for me. By now, I have long forgotten. Nonetheless, I am more than happy to oblige you all.

Dear Myself

Dear Myself

It’s cold over here you know, did you know? It’s cold and I’m scared.

very scared

Somehow I can’t see myself in you anymore, did you know? I could before, my reflection was clear but now it’s not, now it’s clouded, now it’s distorted. It’s not me anymore. And it’s defiantly not you.

Can you remember when the sun came out to play and we would sit out on the porch and watch? Do you remember?

i don’t

Can you remember when we would lay in bad at night and curl into the blankets together? Do you remember?

i don’t

Do you know how warm everything was then? How cozy I felt inside? It was because of you, mostly because of me, but because of you.

Could I tell you one more time why I left? Why you left?

why did you leave?

It was those men. Those women. Those people. All watching. All scornful. All hateful. All cruel. Never understanding. Never seeing but never blind.

i understand

Those people who that couldn’t ignore me but could so gracefully ignore you. It was only when they stopped seeing me and started seeing you that the problems began.

we were the problem

You see, you and I are very different. Very alike but very different. I am cultured, you are not. I am quiet. You are rebellious. The day is mine and the stars shine for you. Oh, how different we could be. If we weren’t so different, you and I, people wouldn’t care. We are though. And unfortunately, this doesn’t go over well with them. They don’t like you. You are not me. This makes them mad. This makes them furious. We are different yet we are the same. They could see this. They could see it like they saw their own lives of misery and just how they couldn’t accept their own woes, they couldn’t accept us. Now as a whole, not as two halves.

why can’t they accept us as different?

Why do I have to leave? Why do you have to leave? Because of them and their unjustified beliefs? It isn’t fair. How could they possibly understand?

they can’t possibly understand

You are my everything.

were my everything

You’ve gone away now. All those drugs and pills they forced down our throats.

down my throat

They say you wont be back. That you left for good. I don’t want to believe them. I can’t believe them.

I believe them

Do you know how cold it is over here? Did I tell you that? Do know how alone I am and how scary I didn’t know it could be?

im so scared
so lonely

When I look in the mirror, I can’t see myself in you anymore. I can still see me. I can still see you. But you… You’re not there.

And neither am I.

im still there

Dying with and without you

Here I sit
with a blank sheet of paper infront of me.

I can't think
My mind is clouded with the painful thoughts of you.

I can't see
tears welled up in my eyes impair my vision.

I can't hear
my quick heart beats drum loudly in my ear.

I can't breathe
my lungs strain for air when I see you.

I can't live
because the thought that I hurt you is killing me.

So I die
with the memory of how you affect me filling my blank sheet of paper.

You're tattooed

You're tattooed on my arm
so that I won't forget your name.
You're tattooed on my soul
therefore life will never be the same.

How could I ever focus
with your memory in my head?
how could I sleep at night
with your scent upon my bed?
How did I ever trap myself
inside such a dream.
Though this is all reality,
nothing is as it would seem.

You're tattooed on my arm
to show I belong to you,
and tattooed in my mind
with everything you do.

What is it that you do
that gets me this way?
What is it that you do?
What is it that you say?
Why do you do this to me?
Why can't I just shrug you off?
You take away my self control,
and conquer my every thought.

You're Tattooed on my arm,
my mind, soul, and heart,
to show that my love for you
was pure right from the start.

Something inside

When the one thing you’re looking for
Is nowhere to be found
And you back stepping all of your moves
Trying to figure it out
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head’s wrapped around what’s around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you’re shivering cold

It’s the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on
It’s the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on
'Cause if you hadn't found me
I would have found you
I would have found you

So long you’ve been running in circles
'Round what’s at stake
But now the times come for your feet to stand still in one place
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head’s wrapped around what’s around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you’re shivering cold

Bridge
It was your first taste of love
Living upon what you had