Monday, March 29, 2010

Black Heart

My heart rips out of my chest when I see your smile
Then it burns with agony as it plum its into the poison from my brain

I take a knife & cut it out to release my from its pain

Covered with blood my black heart does beat

Why won't it stop?
Why the refusal of it's defeat?

To let it live would be a nightmare in all my confusion, yet it still beats strong

Why does my love feel so wrong?
So... here I sit, black heart in hand

Still living, yet dead & damned

The psychopath

If I had you in my arms right now,
I would love you-
With my clammy hand
curled round your mouth,
And a rusty knife pressed between your thighs,

You'd have no choice but to love me back.

If you don't like blue,
I can beat you black.
Just unlock your doors and
surrender your jaws,
Let me drill holes in your system.

I have cutlery,
I have nail files and
butcher's knives.

I'm dying for you to love me back.

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Somewhere over the rainbow.......

Who am I ?

fight against a darkness that I fear. My body is no more than a host for others who are lost inside of me. There are many lives here… but I know them not. I can’t control their actions for they are their own persons. I only know of the things they do and say through what others have experienced with me. They tell of behaviors and forms of speech that are not me at all. They fear the unpredictable behaviors they have witnessed. Some behaviors are reckless… drinking and self injury destroying who I really am. Then there are the innocents… the behaviors where children appear. There are also the fearless and angry ones who practice promiscuous behaviors. They all have names… but often they choose who they reveal themselves to and who they allow to believe that I am still who I am…. the real me… the real mentally disabled me.
I would love to escape from this darkness of fear… this darkness that I often awake to only to find myself in some strange place or listen to stories of things people claim I have done. But it wasn’t me. I was lost in the darkness of my soul. How can anyone understand when I myself don’t even understand who am I now?
So, what do I do? Where do I go from here? Where is my soul’s salvation? Only time will tell. Until then, I hope that those inside will use this opportunity to allow the world to know who they are and what their story is. Perhaps in this way… I too can learn who I am now.


II'll find you...
In your last hour...
I'll find you...
Don't worry, i won't get lost...
I know the way...
I always know the way...

I'll save you...
Through pain and suffering...
I'll save you...

You're asking for what and why?
It's pointless...
There is no answer...
I'm the eternal judge...
I'm your destiny...
I'm Death...

My Facade

No one sees me. No one knows who I really am. You think you do, but all you see are the parts I have chosen for you. I redefine myself for each and every one of you. I modify and tweak and adjust to satisfy whatever lens it is I have molded for you. Or you have molded for me. By now, I have long forgotten. Nonetheless, I am more than happy to oblige you all.

Dear Myself

Dear Myself

It’s cold over here you know, did you know? It’s cold and I’m scared.

very scared

Somehow I can’t see myself in you anymore, did you know? I could before, my reflection was clear but now it’s not, now it’s clouded, now it’s distorted. It’s not me anymore. And it’s defiantly not you.

Can you remember when the sun came out to play and we would sit out on the porch and watch? Do you remember?

i don’t

Can you remember when we would lay in bad at night and curl into the blankets together? Do you remember?

i don’t

Do you know how warm everything was then? How cozy I felt inside? It was because of you, mostly because of me, but because of you.

Could I tell you one more time why I left? Why you left?

why did you leave?

It was those men. Those women. Those people. All watching. All scornful. All hateful. All cruel. Never understanding. Never seeing but never blind.

i understand

Those people who that couldn’t ignore me but could so gracefully ignore you. It was only when they stopped seeing me and started seeing you that the problems began.

we were the problem

You see, you and I are very different. Very alike but very different. I am cultured, you are not. I am quiet. You are rebellious. The day is mine and the stars shine for you. Oh, how different we could be. If we weren’t so different, you and I, people wouldn’t care. We are though. And unfortunately, this doesn’t go over well with them. They don’t like you. You are not me. This makes them mad. This makes them furious. We are different yet we are the same. They could see this. They could see it like they saw their own lives of misery and just how they couldn’t accept their own woes, they couldn’t accept us. Now as a whole, not as two halves.

why can’t they accept us as different?

Why do I have to leave? Why do you have to leave? Because of them and their unjustified beliefs? It isn’t fair. How could they possibly understand?

they can’t possibly understand

You are my everything.

were my everything

You’ve gone away now. All those drugs and pills they forced down our throats.

down my throat

They say you wont be back. That you left for good. I don’t want to believe them. I can’t believe them.

I believe them

Do you know how cold it is over here? Did I tell you that? Do know how alone I am and how scary I didn’t know it could be?

im so scared
so lonely

When I look in the mirror, I can’t see myself in you anymore. I can still see me. I can still see you. But you… You’re not there.

And neither am I.

im still there

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Dying with and without you

Here I sit
with a blank sheet of paper infront of me.

I can't think
My mind is clouded with the painful thoughts of you.

I can't see
tears welled up in my eyes impair my vision.

I can't hear
my quick heart beats drum loudly in my ear.

I can't breathe
my lungs strain for air when I see you.

I can't live
because the thought that I hurt you is killing me.

So I die
with the memory of how you affect me filling my blank sheet of paper.

You're tattooed

You're tattooed on my arm
so that I won't forget your name.
You're tattooed on my soul
therefore life will never be the same.

How could I ever focus
with your memory in my head?
how could I sleep at night
with your scent upon my bed?
How did I ever trap myself
inside such a dream.
Though this is all reality,
nothing is as it would seem.

You're tattooed on my arm
to show I belong to you,
and tattooed in my mind
with everything you do.

What is it that you do
that gets me this way?
What is it that you do?
What is it that you say?
Why do you do this to me?
Why can't I just shrug you off?
You take away my self control,
and conquer my every thought.

You're Tattooed on my arm,
my mind, soul, and heart,
to show that my love for you
was pure right from the start.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Something inside

When the one thing you’re looking for
Is nowhere to be found
And you back stepping all of your moves
Trying to figure it out
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head’s wrapped around what’s around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you’re shivering cold

It’s the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on
It’s the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on
'Cause if you hadn't found me
I would have found you
I would have found you

So long you’ve been running in circles
'Round what’s at stake
But now the times come for your feet to stand still in one place
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head’s wrapped around what’s around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you’re shivering cold

It was your first taste of love
Living upon what you had


Have you ever sick of Lesbian world?

Sick with all of this rubbish. Such full of drama...

I've done baby...

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Seorang pria menduga istrinya berbuat serong. Suatu hari dia menelepon ke rumahnya dan mendengar orang asing yang mengangkat teleponnya :
Pria : Siapa ini ?
Pembantu : Pembantu pak...
Pria : Kami tak punya pembantu...
Pembantu : Sekarang anda punya, baru tadi pagi saya di terima ibu yang punya rumah.
Pria : Oke, ini adalah suaminya. Apa ibu ada di sana?
Pembantu : Dia sedang di kamar bersama seorang pria, saya pikir itu suaminya. Dan ibu bilang tidak boleh di ganggu...
Pria : Sialan...! Dengar. Maukah kamu uang sebesar $ 50.000.- dalam satu menit ?
Pembantu : Apa yang harus saya kerjakan?
Pria : Ambilah pistol di meja saya dan tembaklah wanita itu dengan lelakinya!
Kemudian lelaki itu mendengar pembantunya meletakan gagang telepon dan tak lama kemudian terdengar dua tembakan... kemudian pembantu mengangkat lagi gagang telepon...
Pembantu : Apa yang harus saya lakukan sekarang ?
Pria : Buang mayat keduanya ke kolam renang...!
Pembantu : Kolam renang ? Tidak ada kolam renang di siniPria : Lho...! (Diam sejenak) apakah ini nomor telepon 8224821235 ?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Kenapa begitu susah?

Kenapa begitu susah mengatakan "maaf", "kangen", "sayang", "tidak suka", "mau"... atau "tidak mau!" pada seseorang...

Pada seseorang yang (pernah) menjadi cermin dan tempat refleksi bagaimana hebatnya diri kita menjadi orang yang mau berkorban untuk sebuah rasa, pada seseorang yang membuat kita belajar menghargai waktu... bahwa sehari bersama adalah bahagia, semenit bisa membangun surga... dan sedetik bak neraka bila rindu sedang bertamu. Pada seseorang yang membentuk indera perasa ini lebih peka... hingga tak jarang hanya dengan tatapan, kita berfikir bahwa telepati itu benar adanya... pada seseorang yang mampu mengenalkan kita dengan diri kita sendiri... bahwa kita terlalu bersahabat dengan ego... dan berteman dekat dengan ketakutan.

Hmmm... Tidak pernah menyesal mengenal orang yang menjadikan kita pribadi yang jauh lebih super daripada seorang mario teguh, hehe.... Mereka selalu menjadi epidose, jembatan, anak tangga...atau apalah namanya...untuk kita bisa melihat, bahwa hidup ini terlalu sia-sia tuk dijadikan tempat memanjakan elegi.

Nite sky, The Scientist, and you...
Always grateful with our red, yellow and blue...

*Thanks ya orion aku pinjem ini tulisannya

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Somewhere over the rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Thursday, March 18, 2010


Scars and markings,
held as taboo.
Burns and cuts,
a worthless tattoo.

Symbols of cults,
of dreams and stories.
All shall halt,
no scars are drawings.

Religious and worshipped,
by the ones who are masked.
Each symbol, a prayer,
through skin that will rust.

Through wounds, red bleeds,
from veins of blue.
To deform a story,
create a tattoo.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Dalam Pelukanku

Lenganku terbuka, menyambutmu dalam pelukan merasakan detak jantungmu. Berbaringlah di pelukanku. Biarkan aku membebaskanmu sejenak dari dunia ini hingga kamu merasa aman dan dicintai.

Ceritakan tentang hari-harimu, aku ingin mendengar semua frustrasi dari rutinitas yang kamu sebut sebagai kehidupan, berbagi setiap detail, jelaskan bagaimana kamu melewati setiap jam saat kita berpisah, ceritakan tentang kisah-kisah karena kau tahu aku selalu ingin tahu.

Biarkan aku menjadi temanmu. Aku akan membantumu tumbuh dan aku akan menerimamu apa adanya. Biarkan aku menjadi bayanganmu, mengikutimu dalam setiap langkah, aku ingin kau tahu bahwa kamu dapat bergantung padaku.

Biarkan aku mendukungmu saat langitmu abu-abu dan saat semuanya tidak berjalan dengan baik. Aku akan menghiburmu, mencium pergi rasa sakitmu, memberikan saran dan menjadi petunjuk arah ketika kamu tersesat. Aku ingin kau tahu bahwa aku akan selalu berada di sana untukmu.
Lihat mataku, biarkan aku membaca pikiranmu, menghapus semua kekhawatiran, karena aku tidak akan pernah membiarkanmu pergi.

Biarkan aku memberitahumu, bahwa kesempurnaanmu berada di luar imajinasimu, jangan membandingkan dirimu dengan masyarakat yang berpikiran dangkal, karena di mataku, kamu adalah gambar yang dilukis oleh tangan para malaikat di langit, setiap detail dari tubuhmu, kepribadian dan pikiran.

Katakan padaku apa yang kau benci tentang dirimu sendiri, agar aku bisa menunjukkan kepadamu, karna matamu terlalu buta untuk melihat. Biarkan aku memberitahumu, bahwa tubuhmu adalah tanah ajaib, dan setiap detailnya adalah surgaku, kebosanan tidak akan pernah datang, akan diperlukan waktu seumur hidup untuk menghafal semua keindahannya.
Jadilah dirimu sendiri, jangan berpura-pura, dalam pelukanku kau akan aman, tidak akan ada yang akan menilaimu. Kamu tidak perlu bersembunyi ataupun merasa takut.

Membuat kesalahan, melakukan langkah-langkah yang buruk, mengambil jalan yang salah. Tak apa... karena hidup adalah tentang belajar, aku akan berada di sini untuk membuatmu merasa lebih baik. Jangan pernah menyembunyikan kesalahan-kesalahanmu dariku, penilaianku tentangmu tidak akan pernah berubah.

Ceritakan tentang fantasi dan mimpi-mimpimu, agar aku bisa membuat mereka semua terkabul. Biarkan aku melakukan yang terbaik untuk mewujudkannya dan jika aku tidak bisa, aku tidak akan berhenti. Jangan takut mengatakan padaku apa yang kamu rasakan, itu tidak akan membuatmu merasa kecil.

Tersenyumlah untukku, aku akan memberikan lebih dari apa yang bisa kamu dapatkan, Masuklah ke dalam pelukanku, biarkan aku memelukmu erat, dari hati ke hati, pelukanku penuh dengan perasaan dan pikiran tak terucapkan. Dalam pelukanku kamu bisa mendapatkan semuanya.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Sunday Morning...

Me : Don't Disturb Me!
You : But your toplessness is disturbing me¿¡

Me : Fine Honey, I'll bath in 5 minutes time, just let me have my sleep first ok...!

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

I came across this grief poem and thought that I would share it with you all, it is written by David Romano. I know that it is sad but I think it also gives hope and also helps us realise that we have never truly lost our loved one

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an Angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I’d say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,

He said, “This is eternity,
and all I’ve promised you”.
Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day’s the same day,
there’s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn’t do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you take my hand
and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.

The Chicken

Once upon a time, there was a large mountainside, where an eagle's nest rested. The eagle's nest contained four large eagle eggs. One day an earthquake rocked the mountain, causing one of the eggs to roll down the mountain to a chicken farm located in the valley below. The chickens knew that they must protect and care for the eagle's egg, so an old hen volunteered to nurture and raise the large egg.

One day, the egg hatched and a beautiful eagle was born. Sadly, however, the eagle was raised to be a chicken. Soon, the eagle believed he was nothing more than a chicken. The eagle loved his home and family, but his spirit cried out for more. While playing a game on the farm one day, the eagle looked to the skies above and noticed a group of mighty eagles soaring in the skies. "Oh," the eagle cried, "I wish I could soar like those birds."

The chickens roared with laughter, "You cannot soar with those birds. You are a chicken and chickens do not soar."

The eagle continued staring at his real family up above, dreaming that he could be with them. Each time the eagle would let his dreams be known, he was told it couldn't be done. That is what the eagle learned to believe. The eagle, after time, stopped dreaming and continued to live his life like a chicken. Finally, after a long life as a chicken, the eagle passed away.

The moral of the story: You become what you believe you are. So, if you ever dream of becoming an eagle, follow your dreams... not the words of a chicken.

Monday, March 8, 2010

A Box Full of Kisses

The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy."

The man was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found out the box was empty. He yelled at her, stating, "Don't you know, when you give someone a present, there is supposed to be something inside? The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and cried, "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty at all. I blew kisses into the box. They're all for you, Daddy."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.

Only a short time later, an accident took the life of the child. It is also told that her father kept that gold box by his bed for many years and, whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each one of us, as humans beings, have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses... from our children, family members, friends, and God. There is simply no other possession, anyone could hold, more precious than this.
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